Yesterday, my wife had to talk me off of the proverbial ledge. I was in one of those, "why do I continue to do this" moods with my photography. The great thing is that she knows me so well and since writing her first novel, she too experiences all of the questions and doubts that go into putting yourself out there in such a vulnerable way.
I've done a lot of soul searching this year as to "who am I" with the work I create? So far I have decided that I'm more photographer than artist, especially since I've gone back to portraits as my main area of emphasis. So then the next logical step is "who am I creating the work for"? Obviously, first and foremost, it's for my sitter and myself. A collaboration of creative participation that hopefully manifests into photographs that represent the beauty, confidence and imagination of our connected experience. I would be remiss in denying the desire to have the work resonate to a larger audience (whatever larger is defined as). The problem, for me, lies in this last observation.
When I first started to create this work that was different than my commercial work, it was done with child like eyes and behavior. There was no other expectation than the experience of creating a visual that was in my mind and needed to see the light of day. Once that action was completed it was time to move on to the next one. Then someone comes along and asks, "Have you ever shown these to anyone?" and the answer is no but they have a connection to someone who has a gallery and they help get your work seen. Soon you are showing this work that was hidden to the general public and it has a certain amount of resonance. You do more and show that as well but soon your mind becomes corrupted with expectations both self imposed and external and you begin to wonder what happened to that innocence that brought you true happiness when creating your very personal visual observations? Your happiness is compromised and the feeling of the creative process is changed.
This continues to be a year of regaining that child like innocence and naïveté with my work. Making sure that my intention and motivation is genuine and honest to my creative process and personal growth. Magic is the child, born with open arms!
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ReplyDeleteI feel ya on this one, Bill. Defining the purpose of our artistic work is an issue that comes and goes for all of us, and the effect of it on our psyches can be quite debilitating at times. The most helpful thought pattern to develop to find our way out of the doubt and angst is to focus on the fundamental process of the work itself and free ourselves from all concern of the result, including who the work is created for and what will happen to the work when finished. We must reassure ourselves that there is a time for defining audience and means of exposure, and that time it is not during the creative process itself. To be frank, this is not easy as it requires discipline and practice, but it is necessary for us to continue on.
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